What Is Secure Attachment in Relationships? How to Build Healthy Love in Northern Colorado
What Is Secure Attachment in Relationships? (And Why Everyone Talks About It Like It’s the “Gold Standard”)
Let’s be honest for a second, if you’ve spent any time on therapy TikTok or Googled “why are my relationships so hard,” you’ve probably seen the term secure attachment tossed around like it’s the holy grail of relationships.
And honestly…. It kind of is… but also, can we agree it sometimes gets talked about like it’s a personality trait you either magically have or don’t?
Like some people were just born emotionally regulated, communicative, and calm during conflict… and the rest of us are out here Googling “why do I panic when he doesn’t text back.”
If that’s you, you’re in good company.
At the Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective, we work with women across Fort Collins, Loveland, Windsor, and Northern Colorado who are trying to understand their relationship patterns and build something more stable, connected, and fulfilling.
And for the record: Secure attachment isn’t something you either have or don’t; it’s something you can build.
First—A Quick Breakdown of Attachment Styles (And Where Secure Fits In)
Attachment theory, originally developed by John Bowlby and expanded by Mary Ainsworth, describes how our early relationships shape how we connect as adults.
There are four main attachment styles:
Here’s where it gets interesting:
Research suggests that about:
50–60% of people are securely attached
20% are anxious
20–25% are avoidant
5–10% are disorganized
(Levine & Heller, 2010; Cassidy & Shaver, 2016)
So while secure attachment is common, that still leaves a significant number of people struggling with relationship patterns that feel confusing or painful.
Which is exactly why so many women in Northern Colorado are searching for:
“How to have a healthy relationship”
“Why do I feel anxious in relationships”
What Is Secure Attachment?
Secure attachment is the ability to feel safe, stable, and connected in relationships without losing yourself in the process.
People with secure attachment tend to:
Feel comfortable with intimacy and independence
Communicate openly and honestly
Trust their partners (while still having boundaries)
Navigate conflict without shutting down or escalating
Feel worthy of love and connection
In simple terms:
You can be close to someone without feeling overwhelmed; and you can be independent without feeling disconnected.
Why So Many Women Don’t Feel Secure in Relationships
If secure attachment sounds ideal, you might be wondering, “Why doesn’t it feel like that for me?” This is one of the most common concerns we hear from women seeking therapy in Northern Colorado for relationship issues.
Instead of feeling secure, you might experience:
Anxiety when communication changes
Fear of abandonment or rejection
Difficulty trusting even when things are going well
Emotional shutdown during conflict
A constant sense of “waiting for something to go wrong”
I’ve had so many clients, and honestly, even moments in my own life as a woman, where things are objectively fine in a relationship, but internally it feels like, “Okay, but when is this going to fall apart?” That’s because your nervous system learned something different about love.
A Therapist’s Perspective: Why Secure Attachment Isn’t About Perfection
After specializing in attachment work for most of the past decade, I’ve seen how easy it is to idealize secure attachment. But it’s important to know:
Secure people aren’t perfect.They don’t always say the right thing.They don’t never get triggered.
The difference is:
They can repair after conflict
They can stay present in discomfort
They don’t interpret every challenge as a threat to the relationship
I often tell clients that Secure attachment isn’t about never struggling, but rather it’s about knowing you can come back to connection and being able to trust the connection.
Where Secure Attachment Comes From
Secure attachment typically develops when early caregivers were:
Emotionally available
Consistent and responsive
Supportive of both connection and independence
This creates an internal belief system like:
“I am worthy of love”
“Others can be trusted”
“It’s safe to be close and still be myself”
Research consistently shows that these early experiences shape adult relationships (Bowlby, 1988).
You Can Build Secure Attachment (Even If You Didn’t Grow Up With It)
This is one of the most empowering truths in attachment science: You can develop what’s called “earned secure attachment.”
This happens through:
Healthy relationships
Corrective emotional experiences
And especially—therapy
At the Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective, we specialize in helping women across Northern Colorado move toward secure attachment through intentional, compassionate work.
What Secure Attachment Actually Looks Like in Real Life
Let’s make this practical.
Secure attachment in relationships might look like:
Saying, “Hey, I felt hurt earlier—can we talk about it?”
Not panicking when your partner needs space
Having the ability and skills to self-soothe
Being able to rely on someone without feeling weak
Staying grounded during conflict instead of shutting down or escalating
Trusting that connection can be repaired
It’s steady.
How Therapy Helps You Build Secure Attachment
If you’re searching for:
“How to feel secure in relationships”
Therapy is one of the most effective ways to create lasting change.
Attachment-focused therapy helps you:
Understand your patterns without shame
Regulate your emotional responses
Build trust in yourself and others
Practice new ways of relating
Experience a safe, consistent connection
Research published in the Journal of Counseling Psychology shows that attachment-based interventions can significantly improve relationship satisfaction and emotional functioning. And research by Mikulincer & Shaver (2016) emphasizes that attachment security is linked to greater emotional resilience, healthier relationships, and overall well-being.
What We Do at The Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective
At The Bloomhouse, we work specifically with women navigating relationship challenges, attachment wounds, and emotional overwhelm.
Our approach is:
Trauma-informed
Attachment-focused
Deeply relational
We help you:
Move out of anxious or avoidant patterns
Feel more grounded and confident in relationships
Build emotional safety from the inside out
If you’re in Fort Collins, Loveland, Windsor, or anywhere in Northern Colorado and searching for women’s counseling, attachment therapy, or relationship support, we’re here.
Learn more or schedule a session at:https://www.thebloomhouescounseling.com
Small Steps Toward Secure Attachment
If this feels like a big shift, start small:
1. Notice Your Patterns: Awareness is the first step toward change.
2. Practice Naming Your Needs: Even if it feels uncomfortable.
3. Stay Present in Discomfort: You don’t have to fix everything immediately.
4. Challenge Old Beliefs: Not every relationship will repeat the past.
5. Get Support: You don’t have to do this alone. Therapy can really help.
Secure Attachment Is Possible for You
Secure attachment might get labeled the “gold standard,” but it’s not reserved for a select few. It’s something you can learn, practice, and grow into. Whether you’re feeling anxious, avoidant, or somewhere in between, your patterns are understandable and they can change.
You deserve relationships that feel:
Safe
Supportive
Connected
And yes… even peaceful
And if peace feels unfamiliar right now, that’s okay. It’s something we can build together.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist, relationship, and attachment coach based in Fort Collins, Colorado and the co-founder of The Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective. Hannah specializes in working with women and mothers navigating anxious attachment, relationship struggles, anxiety, perfectionism, birth trauma, and the emotional transitions of motherhood. Her work is rooted in attachment theory, trauma-informed care, and nervous system regulation, with a compassionate, down-to-earth approach that helps clients feel safe, understood, and empowered. Hannah provides therapy to clients throughout Colorado and Florida and offers attachment-based coaching and educational resources for women and moms worldwide. Reach out to her here.
References (APA Format)
Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books. https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1988-98501-000
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.https://www.guilford.com/books/Handbook-of-Attachment/Cassidy-Shaver/9781462536641
Levine, A., & Heller, R. (2010). Attached: The new science of adult attachment and how it can help you find—and keep—love. TarcherPerigee.
Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-in-Adulthood/Mikulincer-Shaver/9781462533817
Johnson, S. M. (2019). Attachment theory in practice: Emotionally focused therapy (EFT) with individuals, couples, and families. Guilford Press.https://www.guilford.com/books/Attachment-Theory-in-Practice/Susan-Johnson/9781462538249
