Disorganized Attachment in Relationships: Signs, Causes, and Healing Through Therapy in Northern Colorado
What Is Disorganized Attachment in Relationships?
If you’ve ever felt like you deeply crave connection, but also feel overwhelmed, shut down, or even fearful when you get it; jyou’re not alone. Many women across Northern Colorado are searching for answers to patterns that feel confusing, intense, and sometimes contradictory.
This push-pull dynamic is often rooted in something called disorganized attachment.
Disorganized attachment can feel like being caught in a loop: wanting closeness, then fearing it… reaching for connection, then pulling away. It can be super frustrating and emotionally exhausting.
At the Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective, we work with women throughout Fort Collins, Loveland, Windsor, and Northern Colorado who are navigating these exact patterns. And the most important thing to know is this: your patterns make sense.
What Is Disorganized Attachment?
Disorganized attachment is one of the four primary attachment styles identified in attachment theory. It’s sometimes referred to as “fearful-avoidant attachment” because it combines both anxious and avoidant tendencies.
People with this attachment style often experience:
A strong desire for closeness and intimacy
A deep fear of being hurt, rejected, or abandoned
Difficulty trusting others
Emotional overwhelm in relationships
Sudden shifts between connection and withdrawal
In simple terms: You want love, but love doesn’t feel safe.
The Problem: Why Disorganized Attachment Feels So Confusing
Disorganized attachment is often the most complex and distressing attachment style because it creates internal conflict.
You might find yourself:
Reaching out for reassurance, then feeling suffocated when you receive it
Feeling deeply connected one moment, then emotionally shut down the next
Wanting to trust your partner, but constantly bracing for disappointment
Overanalyzing relationships and feeling unsure what’s “real”
This pattern can lead to:
Intense relationship anxiety
Emotional highs and lows
Difficulty maintaining stable, secure connections
Feeling “too much” or “not enough” at the same time
Many women searching for:
“Why do I sabotage relationships?”
“Fearful avoidant attachment help Fort Collins”
“Relationship anxiety therapy Northern Colorado”
…are often experiencing disorganized attachment dynamics.
A Compassionate Perspective: Your Patterns Make Sense
After specializing in attachment work for most of the past decade, one thing I’ve seen over and over is just how confusing and frustrating this attachment style can be—not only for those who identify with it, but also for their partners.
It can feel like:
“Why do I act this way if I want love so badly?”
“Why can’t I just relax in relationships?”
“Why do I push people away when I care about them?”
Here’s what I know: these patterns are protective.
When we view these behaviors and patterns through the lens of attachment, it starts to make sense:
If love felt unpredictable when you were little, your system learned to stay on guard
If closeness came with pain, your body learned to associate intimacy with danger
If safety and fear were intertwined, your nervous system learned to expect both
Disorganized attachment is an adaptation to earlier painful relational experiences.
Where Disorganized Attachment Comes From
Disorganized attachment is typically rooted in early environments where caregivers were:
Inconsistent or unpredictable
Both a source of comfort and fear
Emotionally overwhelming, neglectful, abusive, or intrusive
Unable to provide a stable sense of safety
This creates a paradox for a child:
“The person I need for safety is also the source of my fear.”
Over time, this leads to disorganized internal working models of relationships. Research by Main & Solomon (1990) first identified disorganized attachment as a distinct pattern in children who showed contradictory behaviors in the presence of caregivers (https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1990-98538-001). Later research has shown that these patterns often continue into adulthood, shaping romantic relationships and emotional regulation (Lyons-Ruth & Jacobvitz, 2016;https://www.guilford.com/books/Handbook-of-Attachment/Cassidy-Shaver/9781462536641).;\[p
Signs You May Have Disorganized Attachment
If you’re wondering whether this applies to you, here are some common signs:
You feel both drawn to and afraid of intimacy
You experience emotional overwhelm in close relationships
You struggle with trust, even when nothing is “wrong”
You alternate between clinging and distancing
You fear abandonment but also fear being controlled or consumed
You have difficulty feeling consistently safe with others
You may also notice patterns like:
Intense attraction to emotionally unavailable partners
Difficulty maintaining boundaries
A tendency to overthink or “scan” for threats in relationships
The Impact on Relationships
Disorganized attachment can create cycles that are hard to break without support.
For example:
You seek closeness, then feel vulnerable, then panic internally
You pull away, then feel alone, then re-engage intensely
Your partner becomes confused which lead to increased conflict
This can lead to:
Unstable relationship patterns
Miscommunication and emotional reactivity
Deep feelings of loneliness, even in partnership
For women in Northern Colorado juggling careers, relationships, and personal growth, these patterns can feel especially isolating.
The Solution: Healing Disorganized Attachment Through Therapy
Here’s the good news: disorganized attachment is not permanent.
With the right therapeutic support, you can develop what’s called earned secure attachment, r a more stable, grounded way of relating to yourself and others.
Therapy helps by:
Creating a safe, consistent relational experience
Helping you understand your patterns without shame
Regulating your nervous system responses
Building emotional awareness and tolerance
Rewriting internal beliefs about love and safety
According to research in the Journal of Trauma & Dissociation, attachment-focused therapy can significantly improve emotional regulation and relational stability (https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15299732.2017.1295392).
What Therapy Looks Like at Bloomhouse
At The Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective complex attachment patterns like disorganized attachment.
Our work is:
Trauma-informed
Attachment-focused
Rooted in empathy and nervous system awareness
We help you:
Make sense of your relational patterns
Feel safer in your own body
Build trust—both internally and with others
Move from chaos to clarity in relationships
Whether you’re searching for:
…we’re here to support you.
Learn more or schedule a session at:https://www.thebloomhousecounseling.com
Reframing Disorganized Attachment: You’re Not “Too Much”
One of the most painful beliefs many women carry is: “I’m too much.” Too emotional. Too sensitive. Too complicated. This isn’t true. What’s more likely is that you adapted to an environment that required you to be hyper-aware, responsive, and protective. Your sensitivity needs support and regulation. Research by van der Kolk (2014) highlights how trauma impacts the body and relationships, reinforcing that many of these responses are physiological, not just cognitive (https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/313485/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/).
Practical Steps You Can Start Today
While therapy is the most effective path for long-term change, here are a few gentle starting points:
1. Notice the Push-Pull
Start observing when you feel the urge to move toward or away from someone.
2. Name What You Feel
Even saying, “I feel overwhelmed right now” can create space.
3. Slow Down Reactions
Give yourself time before responding in emotionally charged moments.
4. Practice Safe Connection
Engage with people who feel consistent and supportive.
5. Seek Professional Support
You don’t have to untangle this alone.
Why Women in Northern Colorado Choose The Bloomhouse
Women across Fort Collins, Loveland, and Northern Colorado choose The Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective because we understand the complexity of attachment and relationships.
We offer:
A safe, supportive environment for women
Deep, compassionate understanding of trauma and relational wounds
You don’t have to keep repeating the same patterns.
Final Thoughts: Healing Is Possible
Disorganized attachment can make relationships feel confusing, intense, and unpredictable, but it doesn’t have to stay that way.
With support, awareness, and the right therapeutic relationship, you can experience:
Greater emotional stability
Deeper, safer connections
A sense of trust in yourself and others
Remember with patience that you are responding exactly how your system learned to survive. And healing is absolutely possible.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist, relationship, and attachment coach based in Fort Collins, Colorado and the co-founder of The Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective. Hannah specializes in working with women and mothers navigating anxious attachment, relationship struggles, anxiety, perfectionism, birth trauma, and the emotional transitions of motherhood. Her work is rooted in attachment theory, trauma-informed care, and nervous system regulation, with a compassionate, down-to-earth approach that helps clients feel safe, understood, and empowered. Hannah provides therapy to clients throughout Colorado and Florida and offers attachment-based coaching and educational resources for women and moms worldwide. Reach out to her here.
References (APA Format)
Cassidy, J., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Handbook of attachment: Theory, research, and clinical applications (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.https://www.guilford.com/books/Handbook-of-Attachment/Cassidy-Shaver/9781462536641
Lyons-Ruth, K., & Jacobvitz, D. (2016). Attachment disorganization from infancy to adulthood. In Cassidy & Shaver (Eds.), Handbook of attachment. Guilford Press.https://www.guilford.com/books/Handbook-of-Attachment/Cassidy-Shaver/9781462536641
Main, M., & Solomon, J. (1990). Procedures for identifying disorganized attachment.https://psycnet.apa.org/record/1990-98538-001
van der Kolk, B. A. (2014). The body keeps the score: Brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma. Penguin Random House.https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/313485/the-body-keeps-the-score-by-bessel-van-der-kolk-md/
Brand, B. L., et al. (2017). A review of dissociation and trauma treatment. Journal of Trauma & Dissociation.https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/15299732.2017.1295392
