How to Handle the Mental Load of Motherhood During the Fall and Know When It’s Too Much
There is something about fall that makes motherhood feel like a full-time administrative job.
Summer can be chaotic in its own way, but there is usually a little more flexibility. The schedule loosens up. There are fewer school emails. Maybe there are fewer activities. The days are longer, bedtime is later, and there is at least the possibility of saying, “Eh, we'll figure it out tomorrow.”
Then fall arrives...and suddenly, everything is happening at once.
School starts. Sports start. Dance starts. Activities start. School events start. Fundraisers start. Parent-teacher conferences appear on the calendar. There are classroom parties and volunteer opportunities and spirit days and field trips and picture days and special assemblies. The kids need winter jackets….AND HOLIDAYS ARE RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!
And somehow, someone has to keep track of all of it.
Recently, I found myself rage-complaining to my mom book club about this exact thing.
I was going off about how many things my son's school expects us to attend on such short notice. Not because I don't want to be involved in his life—I absolutely do—but because every single event requires something from us. If we both need to attend, we need childcare. If it happens during work hours, one of us has to take time off, which for me means rescheduling clients (I hate doing this). If it happens in the evening, we have to figure out dinner and transportation and what we're doing with the other kids.
And that's just school.
Then there are the doctor appointments.
The dentist appointments.
The fall activities.
The sports.
The birthday parties.
The grocery shopping.
The changing of the kids' clothes because apparently they all grew three inches overnight.
The Halloween costumes.
The Thanksgiving planning.
The beginning of Christmas shopping.
The work deadlines.
The household stuff.
And somewhere in there, I'm supposed to remember to schedule my own freaking doctors appointments that NEED to happen.
At one point, I basically said, “I just want to quit doing all of it.”
Of course, I won't. 😂 I love my kids. I love being involved. I actually like many of these things. But I think a lot of moms know exactly what I meant. Sometimes you don't want to quit motherhood, you just want to quit managing all of the business of motherhood.
Why Does Fall Feel So Overwhelming for Moms?
If you're a mom in Fort Collins or Northern Colorado, fall can be especially full. Between school schedules, sports, outdoor activities, work, appointments, family commitments, and preparing for the holidays, the calendar can fill up quickly.
But the problem isn't necessarily the number of activities. The problem is often the amount of thinking required to make all of those activities happen.
This is what sociologist Allison Daminger explores in her book What's on Her Mind: The Mental Workload of Family Life. Daminger's research focuses on the invisible cognitive labor involved in running a household—the anticipating, planning, decision-making, and monitoring that happens before anyone actually completes a task. ((Allison Daminger)
In other words, there is a difference between doing the thing and being the person who has to remember that the thing needs to happen in the first place.
Someone taking your child to the dentist is helpful. But who noticed it was time for the dentist? Who made the appointment? Who put it on the calendar? Who remembered to request time off work? Who filled out the paperwork? Who remembered to tell the other parent? Who put the appointment into the family calendar?
That is the mental load.
And fall has a way of piling it on.
The Invisible Work That Makes Moms Feel Like They Can Never Turn Their Brains Off
One of the hardest things about the mental load is that it doesn't always look like work. You can technically be sitting on the couch while your brain is running through a list of 25 things.
We need milk.
Did I RSVP for that school event?
When is soccer registration due?
Does he still fit into his cleats?
I need to schedule the pediatrician.
We need a babysitter for Thursday.
What are we doing for Halloween costumes?
I need to figure out Thanksgiving.
Did I ever respond to that email from work?
Oh, and we're out of toilet paper.
You aren't relaxing; you're mentally working. And research backs up the idea that this invisible cognitive labor matters. A 2025 study of 322 mothers of young children found that cognitive household labor—planning, anticipating, and delegating tasks—was more unevenly distributed than physical household labor. Greater cognitive labor was associated with maternal stress, burnout, depression, overall mental health, and relationship functioning.
So if you sometimes feel exhausted even when you haven't physically done that much, you're not necessarily imagining it. Your brain has probably been working all day.
The Solution Isn't Always Better Organization
This is where I think we sometimes give moms the wrong advice. When we're overwhelmed, we are often told to get more organized. (Buy a planner…Download an app…Color-code the calendar…Meal prep on Sundays…Wake up earlier…Make a better routine.)
And while maybe those things can absolutely help, they don't solve the underlying problem if the real issue is that one person is responsible for keeping track of everything. You can have the most beautiful family calendar in the world and still be completely overwhelmed. Instead of asking yourself, How can I manage all of this better?, try asking: “Does all of this actually need to be managed by me?”
Make the Invisible Work Visible
One of the best places to start is to actually sit down with your partner and list everything that goes into running your family during a typical fall season. Not just the physical chores. Write down the cognitive work, too: School communication. Activity registration. Scheduling appointments. Keeping track of clothing sizes. Remembering birthdays. Planning meals. Coordinating childcare. Buying gifts. Knowing when picture day is. Remembering which kid needs what on which day.
Then look at the list together.
You may discover that you aren't actually doing 90% of the physical work—but you're doing 90% of the remembering.
A recent study examining cognitive household labor found that when women reported a more equitable division of that mental work, they also reported better mental and physical health and lower stress and depression. The goal isn't to keep score, but rather to stop making one person the family's central nervous system.
You Are Allowed to Do Less
This might be the hardest part for some moms. Sometimes the answer to overwhelm isn't figuring out how to squeeze one more thing into the schedule.
Sometimes the answer is taking something off the schedule.
Your kids don't need to participate in every activity.
You don't need to attend every optional event.
You don't have to volunteer every time the school asks.
You don't need to make every holiday the most magical.
You don't have to say yes because you technically could make it work.
And you certainly don't have to turn every free weekend into an opportunity for enrichment.
If you're already overwhelmed, adding a pumpkin patch, fall festival, elaborate Halloween craft, and family photo shoot to your weekend probably isn't going to make you feel more connected to your family. It might just make you want to hide in the bathroom. Sometimes good enough is the healthier choice.
This is why I had a conversation with my husband last week about pausing on sports for the rest of the year after our last flag football game ends this weekend. He agreed and I felt instant relief. One less thing on the calendar each week!
The Perfectionism Trap
For many women, the mental load is tied closely to perfectionism.
We don't just want our kids to have a good childhood… We want to give them the best childhood. We want to make the memories. We want to be present. We want to pack healthy lunches. We want to keep the house (somewhat) clean. We want to succeed at work. We want to be a good partner. We want to exercise. We want to have friendships. We want to make homemade cookies. We want to enjoy motherhood.
And then we wonder why we're exhausted.
A 2024 systematic review of parental burnout research found that factors associated with parental burnout include anxiety and depressive symptoms, perfectionism, low self-esteem, high need for control, relationship satisfaction, social support, and the number of children and hours spent parenting.
This doesn't mean having a busy family automatically causes burnout. But means that the combination of high demands, high expectations, and not enough emotional or practical support can become unsustainable.
When Is Mom Stress Actually a Sign You Need Therapy?
Not every overwhelmed mom needs therapy. Sometimes you really do just need a babysitter, a less ridiculous school calendar, a partner who takes over more of the mental load, or permission to say no.
But sometimes the overwhelm has crossed into something deeper.
The U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on parental mental health found that 33% of parents reported high levels of stress in the previous month, compared with 20% of other adults, and nearly half of parents said that most days their stress felt completely overwhelming.
So how do you know when it's time to get additional support?
Pay attention if you are:
Constantly anxious or mentally running through your to-do list.
Feeling like you can never fully relax.
Becoming increasingly irritable or angry with your children or partner.
Crying more than usual.
Feeling emotionally numb or disconnected.
Resenting your family because everything seems to fall on you.
Having trouble sleeping because your brain won't shut off.
Feeling like you are failing even though you're doing an enormous amount.
Struggling with perfectionism or guilt when you rest.
Losing interest in things you normally enjoy.
Feeling burned out or completely depleted.
Having anxiety that is interfering with work, relationships, parenting, or everyday life.
Thinking, I can't keep doing this, on a regular basis.
These are signs that it may be time to move beyond simply trying to organize your way out of the problem.
Therapy for Moms Isn't About Becoming Better at Doing Everything
This is something I wish more moms knew. Therapy isn't supposed to teach you how to become an even more efficient version of yourself so you can accomplish 47 things before lunch.
Sometimes therapy is about figuring out why you feel responsible for everything in the first place.
Maybe you have anxious attachment and struggle to trust other people to handle things.
Maybe perfectionism makes it difficult to delegate.
Maybe you grew up believing that being a "good" woman means being endlessly helpful and self-sacrificing.
Maybe you're experiencing resentment in your relationship because you don't feel like responsibilities are actually shared.
Maybe you're struggling with anxiety or depression.
Maybe motherhood has completely changed your identity and you haven't had space to process that.
Or maybe you're just exhausted and need a place where you don't have to take care of anyone else for an hour.
At The Bloomhouse Women's Counseling Collective in Fort Collins, we work with women and mothers navigating anxiety, depression, burnout, perfectionism, relationship challenges, attachment issues, motherhood transitions, trauma, and major life changes.
Our therapists provide compassionate, trauma-informed, attachment-focused therapy for women, moms, children, teens, couples, and families. We offer in-person therapy in Fort Collins and secure virtual counseling throughout Colorado, making support accessible even when your calendar is already packed.
If your fall overwhelm is connected to anxiety, perfectionism, relationship stress, motherhood, or deeper emotional patterns, therapy can help you understand what's underneath the stress—and create healthier ways of responding to it.
You Don't Have to Wait Until You're Completely Burned Out
So maybe you don't need to quit all the fall activities…Maybe you just need to stop believing that you have to carry all of them.
You can love your children and still be annoyed by the 14th school event of the semester.
You can be grateful for your life and still feel overwhelmed by it.
You can want to be involved and still need boundaries.
You can enjoy motherhood and occasionally fantasize about moving to a cabin in the mountains where nobody can email you about spirit week…(I know I’m not alone in this!)
Both things can be true.
The goal isn't to create a perfectly calm life where nothing ever needs your attention. That's not realistic especially when you're raising children.
But what if instead you could create a life where the responsibility is shared, your expectations are realistic, and you still have room to be a person—not just the person who remembers everything.
So as fall gets busier, take a look at what's actually on your plate and ask yourself:
What can be delegated?
What can be eliminated?
What can be done imperfectly?
What can your partner completely own instead of simply "helping" with?
And if you're realizing that this isn't just a busy season—that you're persistently anxious, depleted, resentful, disconnected, or overwhelmed—consider reaching out for therapy.
You don't have to wait until you're falling apart. Sometimes therapy is simply the place where you finally get to put the mental load down for a little while.
And after the school emails, doctor's appointments, soccer practices, Halloween costumes, Thanksgiving planning, and approximately 900 other things fall will bring… you deserve that hour.
About The Bloomhouse Women's Counseling Collective
The Bloomhouse Women's Counseling Collective is a women-centered therapy practice in Fort Collins, Colorado, offering compassionate counseling for women, mothers, teens, couples, and families. Our therapists specialize in anxiety, depression, burnout, perfectionism, attachment and relationship concerns, motherhood transitions, trauma, perinatal mental health, birth trauma, and other major life transitions.
We offer in-person therapy in Fort Collins and secure virtual counseling throughout Colorado.
If the business of motherhood is becoming too much, you don't have to figure it all out alone.
About the Author
Hannah Dorsher, MA, LPC, NCC, CAT, EMDR is a therapist, relationship, and attachment coach based in Fort Collins, Colorado and the co-founder of The Bloomhouse Women’s Counseling Collective. Hannah specializes in working with women and mothers navigating anxious attachment, relationship struggles, anxiety, perfectionism, birth trauma, and the emotional transitions of motherhood. Her work is rooted in attachment theory, trauma-informed care, and nervous system regulation, with a compassionate, down-to-earth approach that helps clients feel safe, understood, and empowered. Hannah provides therapy to clients throughout Colorado and Florida and offers attachment-based coaching and educational resources for women and moms worldwide. Reach out to her here.
References
American Psychological Association. (2024). Parents under pressure: The U.S. Surgeon General's advisory on the mental health and well-being of parents. U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. U.S. Surgeon General's Advisory
Aviv, E., Waizman, Y., Kim, E., Liu, J., Rodsky, E., & Saxbe, D. (2025). Cognitive household labor: Gender disparities and consequences for maternal mental health and wellbeing. Archives of Women's Mental Health, 28(1), 5–14. PubMed article
Daminger, A. (2019). The cognitive dimension of household labor. American Sociological Review, 84(4), 609–633. American Sociological Review article
Daminger, A. (2024). What's on her mind: The mental workload of family life. Princeton University Press.
Ren, X., Cai, Y., Wang, J., & Chen, O. (2024). A systematic review of parental burnout and related factors among parents. BMC Public Health, 24, 376. BMC Public Health article
